She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
