Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
