Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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