Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
