Apparently you make a good broom.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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