I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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