dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
