ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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