i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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