apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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