dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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