Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
