apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
