Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
