I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
