I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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