The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
