So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
