Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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