I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
