No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
