how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
