The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
