I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
