You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
