I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
