My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
