yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
this just has baby written all over it
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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