Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
