im about as happy as oj after his trial
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Someone shattered a urinal.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
