You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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