i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
