Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
