i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
