True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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