So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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