its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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