I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Randomize
