i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My pussy is not your playground.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
