Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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