she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
