I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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