where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
