i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
