our cab driver is having phone sex.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
