I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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