i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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