We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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