I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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