the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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